I was walking through a Target today when I suddenly, but not unexpectedly felt a tug in my gut and a pain in my throat.  It was sadness, I always feel sadness in my throat.  So what could be in Target that would make me sad?  Memories.

Once upon a time I went to Target on a regular basis, usually with my one or both of my boys in tow.  I had my circuit that I used to follow through the store…toiletries, food, housewares, toys, and maybe a piece of clothing or two for one or both of them.  As I made my way through the store I would chat with the boys and we would talk about all kinds of things. I knew several of the cashiers and they would comment on how the boys had grown or chat with them about a new toy in the cart.

I miss these times these seemingly simpler times.  Aside from being younger and thinner there was nothing simple about these times.  I was a single mom of two boys and I was going through my divorce.  My future was uncertain, but what made things seem simple was my laser focus on what was important, my boys.  All that mattered was what they needed to be happy, fulfilled, and to know that they were loved.  All of my priorities tied back to caring for them. Even taking care of myself was about making sure that I was up to speed and refreshed so I could go and do and pick up and put down day after day.

As my boys got older, I went to grad school, and eventually to work. They were busy too and now both in school all day.  The trips to Target were fewer and farther between and they were quick runs with no conversations and no familiar cashiers.  Over time the trips to the toy section became exclusively the video-gaming section and then not even that.

Now when I go, unless I am focused on something in particular I don’t usually escape that pain in my throat as I imagine the chubby little legs that used to dangle in front of me and the warm hands that used to grab mine.  Even then, I knew those moments were fleeting, but I didn’t dwell on that then and I try not to dwell on it now.

I love the men that my boys have become and I am living with and loving the fruits of my priorities.

For now I will just check out with my few items (no Spongebob towels or Star Wars Legos)  and look at the new generation of little chubby legs.  I hope their parents cherish these moments in the same way that I cherish my memories.